local man believes new born is being kind of a dick

Found this article in the Langley Times:

New father Daniel Pip, 29, has recently begun feeling that his newborn son, Nate 'cuddle monster' Pip, 5 (days), might be a douche. 'I don't know what's with this guy but ever since he's moved in it seems like its gotta to be all about him.'

Arriving this past tuesday, Baby Nate has taken up residence in Daniel's 'Man Cave', something that still irks the new dad. 'I had my PS3 setup on the 50" plasma, beer fridge next to this sweet Lay-z-boy I found on craigslist and a shelf loaded with my collection of old beer cans, some dating as far back as 2007.' Unfortunately he had to sell his collection below what he believed was their full market value, ' you can't tell me my cans were worth only a nickel a pop, two were from Germany for craps sake.' He's also still pissed that the kid didn't even offer to buy beer for helping him move or atleast spring for pizza.

Friends of Daniel's are beginning to worry about how his new roommate is affecting their relationship, 'first time I met this new guy, he crapped in his pants and Danny had to clean it up, which was pretty funny,' says highschool friend Jon, 30. 'Since then I havent really seen much of Dan. I guess 'cuddle monster' is a bit of a leaner, no job, no ambition, that sort of thing. As I understand, Dan's got a lot on his plate right now, no time for buds. That 'poop' prank was really hilarious, though.'

Relationships at home are shifting as well. 'This whole situation is kinda getting between me and my gal,' adds Daniel, ' it took me like two whole weeks to even touch a boob. Well, this kid waltz' right in and is gettin slobber all over them day fricken one. Bro's before hoe's, man. I tell yah, Nate's got a lotta growin' up to do.' Daniel seems to remember being much more mature at age 5 days. 'I don't know but I'm sure I wasn't so needy. Blame the generation I guess.'

Daniel is still optimistic. 'Its not a complete loss, we've had good times, too. Hey, when he showed up, the government made my boss give me a bunch of time off, which was sweet. I just wish Nate could be a little less selfish, you know? Maybe think about how his actions affect me.' Daniel hopes his son can find some sort of father figure in the near future. 'He really needs someone to give him some guidance, like my father did for me. I really hope that person shows up quick, other wise this kid will end up being quite the jerk face.'