Monday, September 27, 2010

Diapers: For craps sake!

For something that is wrapped around a babies ass with the sole purpose of collecting its waste, these things aint cheap! The kid will pretty much be shitting on my money. Lil' bastard. Also, theres not just one diaper out there, we have choices, people, I hate stupid choices! First you have different brands, the big names (Pampers, Huggies) vs. the store brands (kirkland, walmart, etc). And then the big names have different types also (If anyone knows what a fricken swaddler is, please let me know). This is surely capitalism run amok.

Pictured: Me being crushed under the weight of impending fatherhood

We decided to get Pampers 'Swaddlers: New Baby' as our first purchase because they were on sale (also cuz it comes with a neat-o umbilical cord notch!) which came to 24 clams for 84 diapers(size N). Seeing that newborns dump about 10 times a day, that should last about a week. It also wasnt lost on me that a case of beer is disturbingly close in price to a case of diapers (guess I'll have to drink as much as possible before this thing shows up)

On further inspection of the diapers packaging I'm able to deduce the following things about these diapers:

1. They are exactly one tear drop more absorbent than Pampers Baby Dry style (not sure who's tears they use for this measurement, but they're probs from the lady we saw in the states who's shirt read: disposable diapers are garbage. Funny enough, I didnt see a baby anywhere near this gal)



Pampers very scientific set of measurements (personally I believe they're closer to 2.15 puppies softer, but I'm not a scientist)

2. Big Bird was one cute baby (tho its strange that as an adult he finds it unnecessary to wear pants, but did sport a diaper as a chick. And I also got the mental image of a mother hen trying to change a diaper. think about it)

Big Bird before the fame (and the coke problem, but hey, it was the eighties, everyone was getting their beaks dirty back then)

3. Pampers is real proud about making this packaging a lil' bit smaller, for the environment, seeing as their actual product, as that ladies T-shirt makes perfectly clear, is garbage. Thats 84 pieces of trash inside a 40% smaller, recyclable cardboard box. Gold star Pampers.

4. Also Pampers has the irrational fear of babies stepping on rusty nails as shown by their donations of tetanus shots. Either that or they hate babies so much they want to stick em all with needles. Thats kinda sick, Pampers.

Oh, and wikipedia says: swaddling is an age old practise of wrapping infants snuggly in blankets or cloth so that the movement of the limbs is tightly restricted (sounds lovely). It was commonly believed that this was essential for the infants to develop proper posture. Modern medical studies show that swaddling assists babies to sleep, and to remain asleep. It also lowers the risk of sudden infant death syndrome (ok, maybe we'll swaddle).


Jesus' first miracle was converting his baby cul-de-sac into the glorious mane of hair we all remember

I will have to investigate the other brands, I guess. I have about 4 more months to do research. I will keep you all posted.










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