Listen to your father (notes to a future teenager): Your body as an amusement park

Masturbation. Yeah, this is that talk. Im gonna use the power of the internet on this one, cuz honestly it really makes me squirm to jus think about having to talk to you about this in 15 years from now. When that time comes, I'll jus dig up ol' bloggy here and let you read this. Hopefully society hasnt collapsed by then and we're not living in a post appocolyptic, internet free world, cuz I really dont want to do this face to face, with all the wordyness, hand signals and puppetry that goes with it. Oh, and if you do happen to be a girl, never mind any of this. Jus go talk to your mother.

Firstly, masturbation is fun! I do it all the time. It might make Jesus cry (or atleast blush and look away) but what doesnt these days? You wont go blind or grow hair on your palms and if your dead relatives are watching from Heaven, thats on them, not you. Dead pervs.

Like anything there are some basic rules for touching yourself:

1. Dont be whackin it on the bus (the best way to deal with a bus boner is to either slide it up under the top of your jeans or ignore your stop, school will still be there tomorrow) or anywhere public (just say no to public displays of masturbation, this is a love that must remain behind closed doors)

2. Always 'end' in something disposable (or learn to do your own damn laundry) or do the deed in the shower (we'll know why you take so long but so did our parents when we were your age)

3. Keep it to once a day or less (it may become habit forming)

4. Keep it simple stroker (stick to standard porn, nothing kinky. If youhave to ask to be gagged with a tennis ball the night you're trying to lose your virginity cuz its the only way you can finish anymore, you'll probably still be a virgin the next morning)

5. The taint is cool but maybe try to stay outta your hoop (theres nothing up there for you)

6. The last rule of masturbation is you dont talk about masturbation (I wont ask if you dont tell)

Thats pretty much all you need to know about beating ones meat. So dont worry about it, its totally natural and beautiful. And remember to have fun, wash your hands and never talk about it (ever)