Babyfartz

this is a really cool review I found in the Georgia Straight for this neat-o, newly concieved band 'Babyfartz':

Honesty. That is the first thing that comes to mind when you first hear 'Babyfartz' debut album 'brest/fed/def/lep'. Honesty is not a word usually used in reference to a glam or mullet rock record, but in this case, how couldnt it be? These rockers dont know how to be anything but honest, not that they know what that word means, or what any word means for that matter! You see 'BabyFartz' members are all... babies!*

(*except Poison bassist Bobby Dall, who plays lead back-up acoustic tamborine)

Lets start by going thru the lineup, who's combined age, by the way, is a meager 13 months:















P. N. Poop'd is the glammed out lead bassist (his rude attitude (or ruditude (actually, sorry, it is rude attitude, the other one's not actually a real word)) and sweet make-up skills, makes all the ladies wet their nappies)











Taking lead on vocals is G. G. Gummerzz (he's the bad boy who's 'bark' is worse than his 'bite' because his 'teeth' havent come in yet)










'N Utero is their yet to be born, Danish drummer (both parents are from Newark, N.J., but, as ultrasounds have shown, his kit's got double kicks, so he must be a Dane) (p.s. I cant believe they are the first to do this, the womb has such sweet acoustics)

and this fat drunk dude in a diaper on lead guitar (He's fat. He's drunk.Wears a diaper. Plays lead guitar. 'Nuff said!)

So, ok, they got the look, but what do they sound like? Hmmm, perhaps like awesome dressed up in a dirty diaper! (by which I mean: happy gurgling sounds set to muzak versions of your favorite eighties hair ballads!) Right out of the 'box' (pun intended: 'box' is code for the female 'vagina'. Cuz its where babies come from? Get it? Oh, come on people, we all have one.) these 1 to 6 monthers knock it out of the 'park' (pun intended: 'park' is code for the act of automobile related coitus (how most of the members were concieved) and is also the leading cause of fame among those 16 and pregnant (sloots) a la Dr. Drew) with the raunchy 'phhhhhhglllrrrrphhzzzz' which contains all the saucy, none of the vowels. Follow that with 'Pour Some Talcum on Me' and a cover of Dream Theater's 'Forsaken' and you see why 'Rolling Stone' calls these infants the 'The Rolling Stones' on exactly the same amount baby aspirin but less diapers.

In fact, any of the 26 songs on this 5 disc album could be massive hits, (except 'Poops, I Did It Again (I Pooped)' which is just plain vulgar) that is, if: A. This thing actually existed and B. Eighties Baby Metal was still in vogue! I guess these guys were just born in the wrong decade. Still, for me, these crying babies kick all the whiny crybaby top 40 bands out of the childrens pool (not literally, tho, the chlorine burns their eyes). If these kids are the future, the future is loud!

and dont forget the honesty! (why wont anyone think of the honesty!!?)

Diff'rent Strokes

Everyone knows men are from mars and women are from some super crazy planet (I will give 'em that their planet co'ordinates and smells way better than ours) so it goes without saying (though I'm about to) mommies and daddies are different, too!

I think its my duty (plus I'm totes bored) to point out these differences and show how, umm, not wrong, but (lets say) non-correct mommy's habits, policies and core values so are.

1. ok, here's one, when given the chance, for any reason at all, to not be around his child (and i'm talking about going to the store or staying home to catch a nap, and I'm not talking about going on a weekend bender or a quick (extended) trip to mexico) daddy will take that opportunity. He'll ask if his spouse is "sure" but he will not wait for a response before he's out the door. Mommy on the other hand will hum and haw before accepting the offer, then quickly retracting that acceptance, followed by many minutes of tears and holding her child tightly to her bossom, spouting promises of never, ever leaving him/her ever again. non-correct mommy!

2. Mommies read everything. They have all the baby books and sign up online for newsletters, podcasts and forums and talk to all their girlfriends about babies. Daddies will skim as many as two (as few as zero) of the books looking for pictures of boobs and gross tidbits about placenta's and new words for poop. As far as discussion of the impending or landed child, with friends, there is none. Pleasantries may be exchanged, along with stories about poop, but that is all.

3. Daddies take pictures of baby holding a beer. Mommies tell Daddy to put down the beer when she's taking a picture of him holding baby.

4. Mommies are always nurturing and loving towards their precious little bundle of joy. Daddies will take advantage of how unaware a newborn really is. Daddy knows he can call his daughter pizza face when she starts getting baby acne because he knows she's to young to understand words and is unable to develop a complex. When she begins looking like a campbell soup baby, daddy will also wear a t-shirt stating his uninclusiveness of fat chicks and force mommy to take pictures of him holding his darling (not so) lil' girl, while wearing said shirt.

5. Mommies hold baby close and gently rock her/him to sleep. Daddies will a. swing baby around the living room while listening to records. b. hum 'hammer time' and make baby do the hammer dance on the kitchen island. c. realize the kitchen island is kinda dusty and use babies bum as a dust clothe. d. hum 'eye of the tiger' and recreate the famous 'Rocky' montage, using mommies left boob as baby Rocky's punching bag (I was gonna say, as a stand in for one of those slabs of meat, in that freezer room, Rocky uses for a punching bag, but I didnt think mommy would enjoy others getting that mental picture. Yeah, that one, the one you just got. Oops!)
e. let her/him lay there and cry it out, cuz I've fucken tried everything

So, theres a few of the differences that make us all so unique and mommies so silly! Enjoy and please, please dont show this to mommy

Start wearing PURPLE

Our sweet lil' angel Makynlee has now entered the magical period of PURPLE crying! Oh, whats this PURPLE crying pray-tell? Well, PURPLE crying is when an infant (starts as early as week two) cries til he/she turns purple. and does it all day. and there's nothing you can do to soothe her/him (except shaking violently, but that's frowned upon) and goes on for months and months ( I'd like to go off on a slight tangent here for a second: ok, so you can argue naivete or lack of experience or stupidity for concieving a first child, but after going thru the shit (literally) of parenthood, people still have seconds (and thirds) like all the time, and time may prove me a hyprocrite, but... huh? I don't get it). Oh, PURPLE's an acronim:

P- Perfect, yer crying

U- Ugh, yer still crying?

R- Really? yer crying? You? Crying? Really???

P- Please stop crying, ok?

L- Liquor

E- Exactly, baby, Whah! Whah! Whaaaah!! Yer so right! Ha ha ha, but honestly, shut the fuck up

Wow, science!

Daddy Dave can't sleep.... I present you the reason why

Makynlee. Thats it, its no secret or anything. I cant sleep because Maks cant. or because she gets hungry at dumb times during the nite (who needs a snack at 2:27 in the morning? especially after you've jus had one at 12:14am and are gonna have another at 4:42am? Dumb (cute) babies, thats who) I cant put all the blame on young Makynlee, tho, her mom deserves some of it, too. She feeds her, every damn time, no matter the time or whatnot. Who's the parent here? Somebodies gotta set guidelines (mom) and restrictions (mom) and other adult things (mom) or else somebodies sleep is gonna get walked all over (dad). Give a baby a nipple and they'll want the whole boob, is what I always say* (*I have never said this) and tho I don't really know what I mean by that and maybe I should think before I type* (*thinking may result in never typing) still Mommy Marla should really put her foot* down** (*boob) (**away) and be the adult (lord knows I'm not) and let Makynlee know its not fair what she's doing to my sleep.